What does my child need?

Joseph is a toddler.  Still rather unstable on his feet, he sees the stairs and decides that is a mountain worth climbing.  He knows he has left his favourite train in his bedroom and decides to go and get it.  He sets off, with all the determination of a brave explorer.  Muttering ‘train’ to himself on every out breath.

 

His Mother has just popped into the kitchen to make a cup of tea, having left him playing with a picture book.  As she returns, she sees her boy on the second stair and reaching up for the third.  Her heart pounding, she worries that her precious boy will take a tumble, so mindful of the dangers, she scoops him up in her arms.  She holds him close to her as she carries him up the stairs to his bedroom.  She bends down, with the toddler still in her arms, picks up the train and with a big smile, she hands it to him.

 

To her surprise, the ungrateful boy throws the train on the floor with all the strength he can muster, and his face turns red as he explodes into floods of angry tears!

 

Yet he wasn’t being ungrateful.  Mum had simply misinterpreted his need.  What he really needs is to learn to climb and test his limits of physical dexterity.  The anticipation of the toy in the bedroom merely supplied him with the motivation to do so.

 

Mum can meet his need, and keep him safe, by following along behind, ready to catch him if he falls.  It really is only a matter of risk assessment.  Mum’s role is to support her small son as he climbs to the top so that he can have the feeling of accomplishment and develop trust in himself and his capability.

 

This story is just an example of how we can believe we are catering to our children’s needs (fetching the train), when in reality we are seen as the game spoiler.

 

If a child has their attempts at growth thwarted too often when they are young, they will stop trying, or they will rebel in other ways. 

 

Free tip: We cannot protect our kids from the dangers of life.  We are there to help them to find out who they are, what they are capable of and how to live their lives to the full.  The art is in adapting so that our support is age appropriate.  Armed with these life skills, they are more likely to make better choices.

 

When we change our approach, the whole family benefits.  If you would like to learn how to understand the needs of your children, even when they can’t directly express them, contact lucy@therealway.co.uk for a free consultation.

Help! My child is driving me nuts!

Sometimes life at home creeps up on families and before they know it, parents and children find themselves entrenched in a daily battle.  Getting up, homework, eating, chores, computer use, bedtime are just some of the battles that go on in homes across the country.

 

Having experienced one ‘bad’ day, then another and another, parent and child awake and adorn the battle armour even before leaving their respective bedrooms.  Sometimes, before leaving their bed.

 

Battle armour on, there is only one direction things can go.  The pattern is set.  The outcome predictable.

 

What would you give to experience a whole day without an argument?  Can you even imagine that to be possible?

 
It is easy to think that you are stuck with the situation, or to believe that your child hates you.  You would be forgiven even for thinking that even though you love your child, you just don’t like them very much sometimes.  But, what many people don’t realise is that they have the power to turn it around.

 

Free tip:  Identify why do you focus on the things you do?  Is it through fear for their safety? Fear that they will be rejected? Fear they will be led astray? Fear that they won’t be successful at school, and then at work and will be poor forever?  Worry that they haven’t got an interest?  Concern that they are lazy? Concern that they don’t share their feelings with you? Upset that they are disrespectful?

 

Aren’t these small battles therefore all simply ways of saying “I love you so very, very much.”

 

Sometimes, it’s a lot easier simply to say what we mean.

 

If you are worn down by daily scuffles at home, and want to find a way of communicating that works.   Contact lucy@therealway.co.uk for a free consultation.

 

"Stop the World, I want to get off!!"

I have a cupboard in my house.  It is the one that has all the coats, shoes, boots, flipflops, hats, scarves, the odd glove (always an odd glove), and various tennis balls and shinpads that sneak in there too. 

 

Occasionally, this cupboard gets out of hand. I find it takes a while to marry up a pair of shoes, or to find my favourite dog walking hat.  If I let it continue, it would reach the point where I couldn’t even close the doors on that cupboard.

 

It bothers me when the cupboard gets untidy.  As I scrabble around in the darkness, dust and dirt, I start to tick myself off.  Why have you let it get into this mess?  You should look after your things better.  Why can’t the kids put their shoes away nicely?  I might have a couple of episodes of this, and then I will be prompted into action and have a good tidy up.  Throw some things out, marry all the boots and shoes up again and line them up neatly.

 

Oh the joy I feel every time I open that cupboard!!

 

Our brains are just like my cupboard.  When we take on too much, it takes us longer to make decisions, to process information and we feel unclear.

 

Have you ever felt so overwhelmed that you really want time to just STOP!!! So you can catch up with all the stuff that’s going on?

 

Perhaps you are getting forgetful, missing appointments, feeling like you are on the back foot?  Not getting anything done in an organised fashion, or such a slave to your TO DO list that there is absolutely no time TO BE.

 

Being overwhelmed is just not funny right?  On the surface, you maintain a sense of everything being fine, just like closing the doors on the boot cupboard, but inside everything feels a little messy.

 

Free tip:  When you feel like this it is very likely that something significant in your life is troubling you.  It is absorbing much of your thinking time through the day and night, yet it remains unresolved.  So, the day to day stuff starts to trip you up and gets your attention for all the wrong reasons – a missed appointment, untidy home, depleting finances – these create ‘distraction’ problems for you and keep you from tackling the big one.

 

Working with Lucy is like tidying up the cupboards at home.  She will help you declutter your mind, throw out fears, beliefs and thoughts that no longer suit you.  She will clear a way through the distraction problems and give you the courage and skills to resolve or make peace with the big one.

 

If you recognise this in you, contact lucy@therealway.co.uk for a free consultation.

I'm just a soul whose intentions are good, Oh Lord! Please don't let me be misunderstood!

It is the perfect line isn’t it?  Do you think this on a regular basis? Are you afraid of being misunderstood, because of past experience?  Do you find yourself walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting others?  And then, just as you thought you were doing so well, BAMM! It happens again.  Believe me you are not on your own!! 

 

It is so horrible, so confusing and upsetting to find you have been misunderstood and another person has taken offense to what you have said and misjudged you.  It often comes as such a terrible shock, particularly because what they accuse you of often seems to be the antithesis to what you feel inside, who you really are.

 

You can sense you have hurt or upset the other person, but it is very difficult to backtrack and explain what you were trying to say.

 

You end up wondering ‘What’s wrong with me?  Why does this keep happening?’ Yet, there are no answers.  You feel stuck with it. 

 

Let me put your mind at ease now.  You aren’t stuck with it!  There’s nothing wrong with you!  Your intentions really are good!

 

Free tip: What is happening is just like a pattern, imagine a geometric design, for instance with a repeat pattern through it.  When you look close up, you can only see one element.  Yet, when you take a few steps back, you can see that the pattern repeats again and again.  You can see the shape and design of it and as you become familiar with it, you can see where one element ends and the repeat starts.  Once you are aware of the events that lead up to you to be misunderstood, you can spot it coming before you get sucked back in -  Bet you never thought dealing with your ‘stuff’ could actually be fun?!

 

That said, if you don’t address it, you will continue to be misunderstood and, having lived with that in my life for far too many years, I can hand on heart say it’s really pants. 

 

My job as a life coach is to facilitate you in to creating the life you want, not just to help you cope with the life you have.  If you are used to feeling misunderstood, and it upsets you each time it happens, contact lucy@therealway.co.uk together we can sort it!

Let me introduce you to a close friend - Stress

We all know what stress feels like, right?  There is not a person on this planet who hasn’t felt stress in their lives.  But did you know this - Stress is supposed to be good for us!!  It is there to guide us.  To remind us to listen to our body, change our course, try doing something differently, to grow.  Stress can be one of our greatest allies when we recognise that it’s on our side.

 

But if you are reading this and thinking I’m talking rubbish.  If stress has literally moved in on you, disrupting your sleep, making you feel tired, run down, irritable, maybe scared, you are living with more stress than is healthy for you right now.

 

There are so many pressures in society today.  Many people are living with chronic stress.  Often it has become their normal state of operating.  So normal, it is difficult to imagine life without it.  They manage it as best they can, putting it down to hormones, or work, or circumstance, or spouse, or kids, or parents…    

 

Free tip:  Download my FREE PDF on the homepage of this website – 8 ways to get into the zone and find the fun in your life!

 

Stress takes its toll on our health, on our relationships and it hijacks our joie de vivre! It doesn’t have to be like that.   

 

If stress is affecting your quality of life, whatever the cause, and you have decided that enough is enough, contact me lucy@therealway.co.uk and kick stress out today!


 

Weight Loss

I lost £10 the other day.  I thought it was in my purse, but no.  I then looked in my bag – perhaps it had fallen out.  I rummaged through my pockets of my clothes.  I couldn’t find it anywhere!  I had lost it.  It had gone.  So, I went to the service till and took out another £10.  Phew! 

 

Are you trying to lose weight?  Have you ‘lost’ weight only to have it sneak back on again?

 

How does your subconscious mind react to the word loss or lose?  While your conscious mind is still celebrating your weight loss, your subconscious mind has for years understood loss to mean a feeling of death or departure.  It will do what it can to fill the empty void in order to achieve a sense of equilibrium again.

 

Just like my going to the service till to replace the lost money, the subconscious mind will try to replace the pounds we have worked so hard to lose.

 

Paradoxically, if you want to lose weight successfully, the first thing to do is to stop thinking about losing weight!!  It is time to start a new way of thinking.

 

Firstly “I am overweight.  I am fat” – neither of these statements are true, whatever weight I read when I stand on the scales.  Therefore it makes no sense to try to ‘lose weight’.

 

“I am Lucy”.  “I am a person”.  “I am me” Well, yes that is a way of identifying myself. “I am carrying excess baggage” may or may not be true depending on why someone weighs more than they would like. What I weigh is not ‘who I am’ it is not my identity.  Neither is it yours.

 

What we weigh is relative to many different external and internal factors leading up to this point, this moment in time.  The weight we carry is never who we are, nor is it necessarily a reflection of our state of our health. 

 

When I was due to give birth, I weighed 3 stone heavier than I did before and since pregnancy.  I was still me.  I was simply carrying a baby.  Then, one day, it was time for me to let go and at that point of no return, I needed different strategies to see me through the next phase of my life. 

 

Isn’t it the same for additional body fat?  Letting go is just the beginning of a new stage of personal growth.  If you have been carrying excess body fat for a while, letting it go through dieting gives you something to focus on, keep you on track and measure your progress.  However, somewhere along that line you will reach a point that throws you into chaos if you aren’t prepared.

 

You are invited to a meal with friends.  What do you do?!  You are feeling sad, or lonely or bored.  What do you do?!  You no longer have a diet plan to follow.  What do you eat?!  You ate too much, you feel like you have blown 3 months of hard work.  There are many firsts to face and like a parent with a newborn baby, these situations simply require new strategies.

 

I remember calling my Mother from the car as we left the hospital for a 45 minute drive to her house.  “She’s crying!”  I said.  “What do I do?!”  My precious baby who had been silently growing inside me for nine months was now strapped into her car seat and furious!  “Put your finger in her mouth” my Mother replied.  I did.  It worked.  

 

If you have been trying for a long time to ‘lose weight’, you will know that some diets work for a while; that when you exercise, it helps; that you become obsessed about what and when to eat; and you watch others chomping away apparently without a care in the world and wonder how can that be when you just have to look at a donut and it lands on your hips?! You feel bad if you eat something you ‘shouldn’t’; you can’t help but eat when you’re stressed or bored; you have one or 2 secret items of clothing you hope to be able to wear again one day; you are both obsessed and fed up in equal measure with counting and weighing; you buy or bake weird snacks in an attempt to have a treat without the calories!! 

 

Free tip: Creating the body you want is not about deprivation, it is an investment in you, your family and your future – buckle up ready for the journey of your life!

  

Lucy’s clients work with her because they want to enjoy their life to the full, free from the restrictions that have been holding them back. You have absolutely NOTHING to lose and so much to gain!  Contact me to arrange a free consultation. lucy@therealway.co.uk

I don't like my child's choice of friends!

Wow!  How many parents have worried about their child’s choice of friends?  I know I did.  Particularly when they were primary school age.  What I didn’t know then was how to deal with it without interfering!  Believe me, I interfered along with the best of them!  And like most parents, it came from a place of deep love and a desire to give my child a good start in life.

 

When our children are very young, it is our job to protect them.  We do what we can to keep them safe and secure and in the early years, we have a considerable amount of influence in their lives.

 

Once they start making friends and going to school, however, things begin to change.  There are other influences in their lives: teachers; friends; friends’ parents; other children and more… Our children have entered a space that is quite literally, out of our control and if we are not prepared, it can at times freak parents out when their child wants to invite the ‘wrong child’ home!

 

It is not that we want to be mean to other children or families, we just want to be sure our child will be safe.  True to our very basic tribal roots, we seek out friendships with families who appear to be ‘like us’.

 

So what if our child strikes up a friendship with a child who is from a family that doesn’t appear to be ‘like us’?  Do we tell them not to play with that child?  Some parents will.  Do we go out of our way to avoid playdates with that child?  Possibly.  Do we tell the other family, or the school to keep the other child away from our child?  Yes, that happens too.  There are many ways that parents will try to manipulate the relationships their child has with other children.

 

If you are worried about the relationships your child is having, the first thing to do is to understand that what is happening is NORMAL.  Your child is exercising their right to choose who they have in THEIR LIFE.  This is one of the first free choices a child will make and our interference deprives them of this right of passage.  It holds them back developmentally because they learn not to trust their own instincts.  

 

Left to their own devices however, a child will decide in reasonably short time whether a friendship is right for them or not.

 

So what can we do to help our children choose positive friendships in their lives?

 

It is important to listen to children without offering judgement.  What they see in another child is not necessarily what you see.  You might see the parents, the car they drive, the clothes they wear, where they work, if they work.  You might see the fact that the child’s shoes aren’t polished, or are too polished, or that their hair is in a tangle, or far too neat and tidy.  Your young child sees none of this.  Your child is attracted to the warmth of the other child.  The shared interest.  Shared feelings.  Shared sense of humour.  They see neither colour nor class except through genuine curiosity about difference.  Blonde hair, curly hair, darker skin, blue eyes etc…  For the young child, this is just a way to figure out identity. 

 

Children are naturally drawn to other children ‘like me’ and it has nothing to do with what they see on the surface and everything to do with what they feel at that time in their life. 

 

So, if you are concerned your child is making some ‘dodgy’ friend choices, try to understand what they are getting from that friendship.  Is it creativity? A sense of freedom? A feeling of belonging? Do they laugh together? Are they both going through changes? Is the other family more organised than yours – or chaotic when yours is very organised? Or are you worried that your child is being led astray, or being put down by their friend?

 

Free tip: There is never a wrong choice in friends.  Some friends come and go.  Some we learn through bitter experience were never really our friend.  Some stay forever.  

 

Our job as parents is not to choose our childrens’ friends for them, but to help our children develop their own sense of self-worth and moral compass at an early age and to give them the space to discover through their own exploration the meaning of positive friendship. 

 

Lucy has many strategies that you can use to help you keep the trust with your child and help your child to build positive friendships.

 

Call Lucy for a free consulation now.

 

 

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